Subtitles by explosiveskull
SAMIR: It s crazy times, guys, cr azy times.
So one side is saying,
"Hey, people are killing each other with machine guns.
"Maybe normal civilians shouldnt have machine guns,
and only soldiers who are in an active ground war."
And then the other side is saying,
"Well, you cant take away machine guns
"because of the Second Amendment.
"The Second Amendment, you cant regulate guns
because of the Second Amendment."
So, to be clear, your argument is
that guns should have no regulations on them
because of the Second Amendment,
which literally starts with the words,
"A well regulated."
Thats literally how it starts!
And the whole amendment has 27 words,
and three of them are "a," "well,"
and "regulated."
Thats 11.1%, folks.
(light laughter)
You know?
I know what this guys thinking.
This guys like, "But, Samir,
11.1% isnt that much."
But imagine youre on a plane,
and halfway through your journey, the pilot comes on
and hes like, "Hey, folks.
"Classic good news, bad news.
"Good news, well be getting you
89% of the way there.
Bad news, that puts us
at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.
(light laughter)
(throats clearing)
(man sighs)
All right. Thats my time. Thank you.
(indistinct chatter)
Hey, Al. Uh, something cheap and brown.
No ice.
(ice clinking, drink pours)
JOE: Looking good, Tiff. Huh?
Special occasion, huh? Come on. Perfect. Thank you.
WOMAN: Leave me alone.
JOE: Let me try some new stuff on you.
Hey, why do they call me the gravedigger, huh?
Cause Id like to bury my face in those boobs.
(laughing) Okay. Okay.
Okay, heres some advice if you want some:
maybe you should try putting some jokes in there.
Yeah, well, I dont want to do jokes about cats versus dogs,
and New York versus L.A.,
and airline food, and ethnic stereotypes, okay?
Didi? If you dont make people think,
your comedys never going to matter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
People like my act, okay?
I have 59,000 followers. Mm-hmm.
So I should be more like Joe Donner
and murder some people? MAN: Come on, what?
Come on, you and me and a bottle of beer. WOMAN: No, thanks.
Come on, baby.
Come on, he didnt.
He didnt.
What? (laughing)
The legal system ruled it wasnt murder.
Yeah, they fucked that up.
But you know what?
That is exactly your problem, Samir.
Funny is funny.
And that dude--
not you, but that dude--
is funny.
Okay?
No, thats...
Okay. Well, good talk.
Hey, could you put that all in an e-mail
and, uh, send it to the ocean?
Yeah, sure. Hey, could you suck my vagina?
(laughing)
What matters is not followers.
What matters is adjusted... Gross income.
Yeah, we all know that JC Wheel...
JC Wheeler.
Ah. In the fleshy flesh.
Oh, man, I--
Hey, can-- hey,
I am such a fan of yours.
I mean, I know everyones a fan of yours, but Im the...
Thank you. Hows your day?
Whatve you been doing?
Man. You were everywhere and then you just disappeared.
You had it all. What happened?
I had it all.
Hey, I saw your set. Oh, you did?
Oh, man-- feel free to tell me to go fuck myself,
but if you have any notes for me
or anything, Ill give you anything.
Ill give you my dog.
Well, its not my dog. Its my girlfriends dog.
But weve been dating since high school,
so its basically my dog.
My dog, her dog. Dogs a dog.
Your dog if you want it.
See, all this shit is funny.
Funnier than the Second Amendment, Ill tell you that.
Well, obviously, its not the amendment thats funny.
What I find funny is the fraudulent...
Next.
What?
Next topic.
(chuckles) Thats funny.
But seriously, if you have any notes
for me, you know...
You want notes? Yeah.
Fuck politics.
The audience dont care about what you think.
They care about you.
Right.
Yeah, I know everyone says
be personal, truth in comedy,
but dont you think thats a bit of a cop-out?
The audience doesnt want to hear you make points.
You dating a high school girl?
Now thats interesting. Oh.
Im not dating a high school girl. We...
Now thats comedy.
Right, but isnt that gross and exhibitionistic?
Isnt the whole point to provide insight
into the human condition?
Provide insight, huh.
What do you want?
Are you happy with your life?
With your career?
Dont you want it all?
Yes. More than anything.
You have one thing.
One natural resource.
You are a country with one export.
And you are the export.
Ill tell you a secret.
Put yourself out there and you will get laughs.
You will be successful.
Are you sure... thats what you want?
Yes.
Now you have to be sure to be sure.
Cause once you put it out there...
the audience will take it in. They will connect.
And once they connect to it...
its theirs.
And once its theirs...
that shit is gone forever.
Listen, my life is okay. Its fine.
But you dont choose comedy because you want a fine life,
you choose comedy because you want it all.
Hmm.
Well, okay, then.
(loud laughter) Right? Right?
(cheers and applause) And let me tell you, your next guest
needs no introduction.
Im Joe Donner.
And youre a bunch of fucking idiots!
(cheering and applause)
(belches, blows)
(microphone feedback)
Hi, everybody. Hi.
So, the Second Amendment, which people use to justify
having their, uh, uh,
having no regulations on guns, um,
actually begins with the words, "A well regulated."
(microphone feedback)
11.1 perc-- percent of the whole thing.
I wish you could all see your own faces right now.
You have the exact expression that my dog has
when shes taking a shit.
(laughter)
Like, "Dont look at me."
"Why are you here watching this?"
(laughter) "There has to be a better way to do this."
Okay. Okay, you want to talk about this?
Okay, I-I love my dog.
The other day, she peed on my pizza.
(laughter)
But thats my fault.
I shouldnt have yelled at her
while she was standing on my pizza.
(laughter)
(applause)
But I-- Shes cool.
Um, her name is Cat.
(laughter)
Which I know sounds like a stupid name for a dog,
but thats only because it is a stupid name for a dog.
(laughter)
Its even stupider when you realize
its actually short for Cat-erpillar.
(loud laughter and applause)
(people whooping)
(drops keys)
(whispering): Cat.
Cat. Come here, baby.
(clicking tongue) Cat. Cat.
Cat?
Hey, Rena?
I really killed tonight.
Its my best set ever. (exhales) Mm.
Thats great.
They were laughing at stuff I was saying,
at the punch lines.
And at the end, they cheered so hard, I was like,
"Whats that?" and I was like, "Oh,
thats for me."
Ive never felt anything like it.
Hey, wheres Cat?
Huh?
No, you just sleep. Im gonna go walk the dog,
but I cant find her.
Oh, I thought you said "dog."
Yeah. Cat. Wheres Cat?
Oh, my God, you didnt leave the door open, did you?
Or the window?
I dont know what this game is, Samir, but Im trying to sleep.
Our dog, Rena. Wheres our dog?
What?
We dont have a dog or a cat, Samir.
Youre so annoying.
NARRATOR: Sa mir Wassan is an artist of great principle.
A man who refuses to compromise his beliefs
for a cheap joke.
But tonight, he felt the rush of the limelight
for the first time.
Now, hell have to decide
what really matters to him when the laughter stops.
And how much hes willing to give... to The Twilight Zone.
(The Twilight Zone theme playing)
NARRATOR: Youre traveling th rough another dimension,
a dimension not only of si ght and sound but of mind.
It is the middle ground be tween light and shadow,
between science an d superstition.
And it lies between th e pit of ones fears
and the summit of ones knowledge.
You are now traveling through a dimension of imagination.
Youve just crossed over in to The Twilight Zone.
DEVEN: What happened to that bus stop?
SAMIR: Theres a very bad man whos another comic here,
he got drunk and drove into it. People died.
Anyway, could you give me a hand here?
Is this a part of your act?
No. I had to google Jack Russell Terriers
because I couldnt find any pictures of Cat on my phone,
which is so strange,
cause I take pictures of her all the time.
I dont get it. Whos Cat?
Oh, okay.
Rena put you up to this.
Okay. Okay. What?
What? No. I like seeing you do stand-up.
You know what? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
You and Rena do your hilarious prank.
Its very funny.
Very funny.
Come on.
(jazz music playing)
Hey, uh, is JC Wheeler here today?
(chuckles): Yeah, right.
That signs so funny.
"No apostrophes."
Yeah, you might be the target audience.
I dont get it.
Cause the clubs called Eddies,
but youd think that it would be Eddies.
But then this signs saying that,
no, it is actually Eddies,
its just that we dont allow apostrophes, so now its Eddies.
That is funny.
Yeah, its really clever.
DIDI: Hey, girls.
What is this? Community service?
Oh, this is Deven, my nephew.
Hes, uh, staying with me.
Actually, Im Renas nephew.
Oh, shit!
He said check your lane.
He did not say "check your lane."
He said check your bitch-ass lane.
SAMIR: Dont say the-- any of the bad words.
Hes staying with us.
Hes in from out of town.
Hey, handsome.
So, you seen Uncle Samir do his "comedy" before,
or is this the first time youve had the "privilege"?
Ive seen him do it a couple of times,
but you know, youre actually kind of
what made me want to be a stand-up comic.
Just like you.
Oh, thats so nice. Thank you for telling me.
DEVEN: Well, I mean,
not just like you. I kind of want to be, like...
you know, a good comedian?
Oh, shit! Language.
Nephews funny, dude. All right.
Okay, um, I got to use the restroom
before I get up on stage.
Why dont you just take a shit on stage like you did last time?
And three of the 27 words are, "A well regulated."
(phones chiming)
Geez. You know what?
Maybe Ill pull out my phone, too.
Maybe we can text, you know?
Whats everyones phone number?
You guys are just like my nephew.
I can only get through to him
if I text him. (laughter)
Yeah.
Hey,
asshole. (laughter)
Get off your phone, Im talking about you.
(applause and laughter)
Hes ten years old, hes ten,
and he was making fun of my act earlier tonight.
He was!
He was saying Im not funny.
Hes ten.
Actually, hes not even my nephew.
I dont know if that makes it better or worse.
No, it actually makes it worse
cause if he was my nephew, at least the family
would be coming out on top,
but this way... (applause)
This way, just some random ten-year-old is dunking on me.
(laughter)
Deven Singh, everyone.
Give it up for Deven Singh.
(applause and cheering)
MAN: Congrats, man. That was awesome.
Damn. You brought it.
That was actually a good set.
Thanks to Deven. Have you seen him, by the way?
I hope I didnt embarrass him too much.
Okay, who are we talking about right now?
My nephew, my girlfriends nephew. Wants to be a comedian,
but better than me.
I dont know what the hell youre talking about,
but I think I just hit
my Samir limit.
Hey, did you guys see a little boy come out here?
Did you guys see a little boy,
like, a ten-year-old boy come out here at all?
WOMAN: Havent seen him. Sorry.
Hey, did you guys see a little boy come out here?
Like, a leather jacket, hes Indian? Sorry, dude.
Deven?
Deven!
Call Deven Singh. (phone chimes)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Did you mean Anisha Singh?
Call Deven Singh.
(phone chimes) AUTOMATED VOICE: Okay.
No, no, no. Call Deven. (phone chimes)
AUTOMATED VOICE: I dont see "Deven" in your contacts.
Should I look for locations by that name?
(phone chimes)
♪
Hey, have you heard from...
You see, the laws...
Samir. Its lovely to see you.
RENA: Hey, baby. How was your show?
I didnt know you were gonna have company tonight.
We were just talking about comedy.
I was making the case that it is art,
just as much as theater,
or literature, or paintings.
Hold on one second, David.
You know, I have a lot of respect for what you do.
Thank you.
Um, can I talk to you real quick? Its about Deven.
Who? Deven. Can we talk over here, please?
Whos Deven again?
Is that Frans boyfriend? Deven. Your sisters son.
I dont like that joke. You know Anisha cant have kids.
But thats just it, see?
Comedy has to go to these dark places because
its art. That is bullshit.
Hes in this picture right here. What Im saying is,
if he doesnt push the boundaries,
(fading): hes as derelict...
...if I were to let an innocent man
go to prison. It really is no different.
Dont you remember? He was in this picture.
He was wearing that leather jacket and I made fun of him.
I called him The Fonz, and he was like,
"Whos that? Youre so old."
Baby...
Hes just gone.
Anisha never even had him.
Oh, my God, now youre worrying about my sister?
Youre right.
You-You-Youre right,
I shouldnt be worrying about her cause-- (stammers)
there never was a Deven, so its not like hes dead.
He just never existed,
so its not like I killed him.
Okay, now youre scaring me.
Are you all right, Samir?
What happened tonight?
Are you feeling okay?
SAMIR: It was JC Wheeler.
JC Wheeler told me...
Whoa, whoa, you met JC Wheeler?
Yeah, he was at the club last night.
That is so cool.
JC Wheeler told me I need to put myself out there,
that I need to be more personal on stage,
and then people would connect to it,
and then people would relate to me,
and then... (gasps)
it would be gone forever.
Please dont put me in the mental hospital.
Why the mental hospital?
You got one picked out?
(laughs)
There he is. Theres my guy.
Its okay, Samir.
Look, I think what youre describing
might be a good thing.
The feeling that if you put something out there
from your real life, youll get laughs.
That sounds like therapy to me.
You work through these things
so that you could free yourself from them.
Its terrifying to put yourself out there,
but its true what they say,
"Sunlight really is the best disinfectant."
Okay, okay, David, Im-Im sorry. Would you mind?
Oh, say no more. (chuckles)
(clicks tongue)
(sighs)
You have been at this for five years, five.
And Ive been very supportive,
but if youve finally found the thing
that can help you find your audience,
how are you not gonna throw yourself at that?
Well, what about the part where things get...
erased?
DAVID: Shes right, you know.
Art is the noblest pursuit in the world, but...
its not paying the rent.
(whispering): Im sorry.
COMIC: But what I really like, wh at I really like
is when people spell curse words using asterisks.
Youve seen this? You know what Im talking about? Its like...
I guess asterisks are kind of like the chastity belt
of the vowel world, in the vowel community.
I was looking for you.
Heard you were great the last couple nights.
Congrats, kid, youre headlining.
Oh. Thank you.
(laughing) Hey.
Dont fuck it up. Huh?
Who am I kidding? Come on, its you,
of course youre gonna fuck it up.
Hey, Im just messing with you.
EMCEE: ...very funny guy, Samir Wassan!
(cheering and applause)
MAN: All right!
(people whooping)
SAMIR: Thank you.
So a lot of people use the Second Amendment
as an excuse to say that guns shouldnt be regulated,
except that the Second Amendment
actually starts with the words, "A well
regulated."
I have a ten-year-old nephew,
and the other day he was making fun of my act.
Hes ten years old.
Hes ten.
Right.
(quietly): I dont have a nephew anymore.
(woman clears throat)
How about this president, huh?
I dont want to say hes a fascist dickhead
who should be hung by his nuts in the public square,
but only because I dont want to talk to the Secret Service.
WOMAN: Oh, man.
Hey, uh, give it up for the guy who was on stage
right before me. (light laughter)
MAN: Yeah! Hes funny, right?
He really crushed.
Didnt he? (cheering)
Not as badly as he crushed a mom and her baby
at the bus stop across the street.
(audience oohing)
Im not joking! He did that.
(laughter)
That mangled bus stop across the street...
(applause)
...thats his best work! Thats his biggest credit!
(laughter)
It was in the news.
He got away with it, though.
And you saw his act, you-you wouldnt think a guy
with a hateful, misogynistic act like that
would also be a drunk driver.
No, actually, that stands.
That makes sense.
Give it up for
human piece of shit,
Joe Donner.
(cheers and applause) (Joe laughing)
Cause he didnt smash into it,
because he doesnt exist.
Hey, hey, youre the... Hey, you totally killed tonight.
Oh, thank you. You know, I actually un-killed two people.
(laughs) This is you, right?
Yup. I am following you
right now. (laughs)
Oh, thank you so much.
Dont drink and drive, okay? All right.
Just like Joe Donner didnt anymore.
Okay. Youre so funny.
He is. I also saved two lives.
One was a baby!
(scribbling)
(audience laughing) SAMIR: I knew this kid
in high school, he was a prick!
Just a bad guy.
He was mean, he was a bully.
But you know what? It s not fair to judge someone
by how they were in high school, right?
People change.
They grow, they learn.
So I looked him up online.
Now he works for Doctors Without Borders.
Oh, you horrible pieces of shit.
Im joking. Jamie Benson murdered his fiancée.
(laughter)
He did!
Yes!
I love being right!
(audience cheering) Great!
Not so great for his fiancée-- re st in peace. Shes gone now.
More like Murderers Wi th Borders, am I right?
Sometimes the covers do tell you a fair amount
about the book, dont they?
(cheering)
Cheap and brown,
no ice. You know it, Al.
O-Or what about Coach Keller?
Oh, yeah. That was crazy.
I guess we just didnt know how crazy it was at the time.
Uh, I knew.
Man, there really are a lot of loathsome psychopaths
in the world, huh?
Thank God youre not a loathsome psychopath.
Thats the most romantic thing
youve ever said to me.
Uh-oh! Oh!
Ah! Why are you screaming?
I thought it might get on my coat.
What about my face?
This is my favorite coat,
and it is so much more expensive than your face, baby.
Im sorry.
What are you doing? Pizza face!
(screaming, laughing)
♪
(phone chimes)
SAMIR: So you know how, in school, ru mors would get started,
and it didnt even matter
if they were true or not, it would just become legend?
You know what Im talking about?
Well, unless the Times
and a jury of his peers we re being huge gossips,
(laughter) that rumor about
Coach Keller
being a pervert who preyed on kids?
That rumor was true.
That one did happen.
You know, Ive been feeling like my comedy
could really make a difference, like,
the more I open up on stage,
the, the more I change the world.
(laughs): Is that completely narcissistic and delusional?
Uh, yes, but I dont mind it.
I like this new you.
So do I.
Hey, um, do you remember that guy we ran into
who you defended, and then later you found out he totally
did do all those horrible things?
I cant believe I said that.
No, no, no, its good that you told me.
What did you say the guys name was again?
I cant tell you that.
Yes, you can.
David says a good defense attorney
never lets her opinions seep into... Oh, great, David.
Really?
Im so sorry I mentioned my friends name in passing.
No, no, no, keep going. Theres gonna be a great story.
Ive been starved for some of that David Kandel wisdom.
And Ive been starved for some of that
Samir Wassan jealous prick routine.
Jealous prick? Okay. Routine? Wow.
Why, what would you call it?
What would I call a law professor
whos always having romantic dinners with his former student,
my girlfriend? They are not romantic.
David is my friend, and my mentor...
Oh, mentor. Okay. Yeah, why was I worried?
Theres no way a mentor would try
and fuck an attractive student.
Screw you, Samir.
"Screw you." Thats really good. Are you taking argument classes?
Cause thats still some beginner shit.
Maybe move up to "Go fuck yourself."
Rena?
SAMIR: So I met a murderer today.
I did.
I actually met a murderer.
I was talking to this tattooed guy on the bus,
and he just straight-up told me that he murdered someone.
You know, I guess it makes sense,
cause if I was a murderer,
I would want to tell people, too, you know?
Pride in what you do is important.
Although, it seems like
resisting the urge to tell people
might be an important life skill for a murderer.
(man coughs)
Buck. His name was Buck.
Buck.
From Pennsylvania?
Unless he gave me a fake name.
I, uh...
(phone chimes)
Ive got something you guys might like.
Do you guys have a girlfriend whos got, like,
a creepy older "mentor"?
(laughter and applause)
You know, whos, like, just her friend,
and not trying to sleep with her at all.
Just some older, white, pretentious motherfucker.
With his fucking little beard, and he knows everything.
This guy knows everything.
And then you get in trouble.
You get called a jealous boyfriend
for trying to save her from getting MeTood
by fucking David Kandel?
(cheering and applause)
Wow.
"Top Comedians to Follow," huh?
Oh, yeah.
I forgot about that.
Must be so exciting for you to know someone on that list.
Youve been strutting around here
like the cock of the walk lately.
(chuckles) Great metaphor.
Hey, Im a little busy right now.
Could you text my assistant, cause I want to talk.
Dont make me hurt you, Samir.
(quietly): Hey, baby.
Hey.
Hilarious as always, Samir.
Hey, what would your, uh, mentor David
have thought of that set?
What are you talking about?
Wait, where are you going?
I have to get to my shift.
W-What shift?
Rena, whats wrong?
Im late. You gonna get me fired?
Okay.
Why would they have you come in now?
And theyre not gonna fire their best lawyer
for being slightly late.
Lawyer? Are you kidding me?
Wait, wait, wait, youre, youre not a lawyer?
Screw you.
David Kandel.
She doesnt have a career without fucking David Kandel.
Rena, I screwed something up.
You have screwed many things up, Samir, but I am late right now.
Im sorry.
No, no, listen. I changed something.
Okay? You were supposed to... Supposed to what?
Keep waiting patiently for you to get your career together?
No.
Wait, wheres your red coat?
The one we got in Paris?
What are you talking about? Paris.
When we went to Paris. The...
We never went to Paris cause we couldnt afford it.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey. I swear to God,
if you touch me one more time...
You okay, honey? Im fine.
Shes fine. Its okay, its okay.
Okay, hey, hey, that was the trip
that saved our relationship.
But we didnt go on it... Saved our...?
Listen, we couldnt go because you couldnt afford it,
but now I can afford it, so...
Youre a dick, Samir.
Okay, you dont understand...
No, you dont understand.
You dont think about how your actions
affect me or anybody else.
Were all just background to you.
Material. COOK: Table 12.
Hey.
Im sorry. Im sorr-- hey.
Remember when you gave me that advice,
when you told me that I could be strong on stage?
That I could play to my strengths?
You said that I need to let go of stuff?
So I did that. I did that for us. I did that,
I did that for you.
You said it was okay to punch.
When am I gonna be the joke?
This argument, whens that gonna show up in your act?
Were done, Samir.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
Listen to me. Listen to me.
I have this power, okay?
I have this superpower. (stifled laugh)
I do. The reason youre doing this right now...
The reason Im doing this right now, Samir,
is that you are a selfish asshole.
♪
(yells)
(cheering and applause) Thank you.
What do you think its like to have a penis?
Obviously...
That cute little Indian girl dumped you, huh?
Shit, man, that sucks. Im sorry.
For you, Im sorry for you. Cause that was just
clearly the right decision for her, you know?
Shes all I know, I...
I dont know what I am without her.
(applause in distance)
My...
careers finally taking off.
Cant win at everything, right?
People think Im funny.
You know how hard its been for me,
people not thinking I was funny?
Yeah. Yeah. Yes.
I hear you.
Maybe this is how it goes.
You get something, you got to give something up.
Samir,
if you go on a murder rampage,
can you try not to do it while Im here, please?
And just to be clear, I say that not because
youre brown, I say it because
"youre a man," sort of.
PETE: Theres my two little stars.
Theres our weird, creepy uncle.
(laughs)
(chuckles) Weird, creepy laugh.
So,
Candy Gower from The Gower Hour
is coming to the late set tonight.
Okay. And she is here for you two.
Two?
PETE: You didnt hear this from me,
but The Gower Hour needs a new cast member,
and its pretty much narrowed down to two up-and-coming comics
you may have heard of named you and you.
Doesnt know our names.
EMCEE: Please welcome Samir Wassan.
Hes Samir Wassan.
Ah. He just said it. So...
(cheering and applause)
SAMIR: The Second Amendment says...
uh, "A well regulated..."
My football coach was a rapist.
WOMAN: What did he just say?
Right.
You need fresh blood.
GABE: What we need is jokes.
Who said that? Who fucking said that?
It was me.
So you think youre funny?
No, we just think youre not.
(laughter)
MAN: Ooh...
(cheering and applause)
Okay. Okay.
Whats your name?
Whats everybodys name?
Gabe.
Will.
Uh-huh. And where do you guys work?
Uh, we work at Wellspring Capital.
So youre, what, like, hedge fund guys?
WILL: Yeah, actually,
we invest in hedge funds.
Wow. (laughs)
GABE: Yeah. Wow is right, bro.
Were talking about--
count em-- mm... nine figures.
Nine figures!
I-I got to give it to you, that actually is impressive.
You know, I love guys like this.
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
They get off work after a long day
of investing in hedge funds-- did I get that right?
Want to make sure I get the details right here.
These guys are like, "Oh, were gonna go to a comedy club,
"were gonna heckle the comedian.
And tell everyone how much money we make."
Gabe and Will, ladies and gentlemen.
Gabe and Will.
(cheering and applause)
(whooping)
(exhales)
Its you and me, huh?
Not now.
Oh, yeah. Now.
Its one spot.
One spot. (chuckles)
On The Gower Hour.
(scatting)
(laughs)
That shit should have gone straight to me.
I have been the MVP up in here for a minute.
But somehow,
suddenly,
you get funny.
How does that happen, huh?
How the hell you pull that off?
Didi, we really dont have to do this
right now. What?
Im not gonna go on stage tonight. What?
What are you talking about? I dont want it.
You can have it. I dont want it. No. No, that is some--
I-Im not... No, fuck you. No.
No, I am not about to let you do that shit.
Why not?
Cause youre good.
Youve been fucking killing it.
And Im honestly kind of embarrassed
that I didnt see how funny you were from the start.
But you cant stop now.
So, I came in here to tell you that if,
that if Candy Gower chooses you,
well, then I would be happy.
Cause it would be a good choice.
WOMAN (over P.A.): Didi to the stage. Didi to the stage. Oh.
So no more of this bullshit about
"Oh, Im not gonna go up,"
and "Oh, my goodness, I have a vagina
"and its hurting and Im on my period
and I cant find tampons"
or whatever the fuck youre talking about.
Okay?
Ill see you...
on stage.
(sniffs) And may the baddest bitch win.
Which is me, by the way.
WOMAN (over P.A.): Didi, youre on deck.
Didi? Youre on deck.
I swear to God...
if I were straight, I would...
...probably be with a Idris Elba-type dude.
But I would throw you some pussy every now and again
out of respect for your comedy.
Thank you. Mm-hmm.
Kill it tonight, boo.
Whoo!
(laughs)
(knocking)
Lets get it!
DEVEN: Th e clubs called Eddies
and youd think that it would be Eddies
but then that sign sa ys that its Eddies.
But then th is signs saying that,
no, it is actually Eddies,
its just that we dont allow apostrophes,
so now its Eddies.
(grunts)
Oh.
(panting)
There you are.
Didis up next, then you. You ready?
What the hell are you doing on the floor?
Is Candy Gower here?
You bet your dick she is.
This is it, kid. This is it.
JC: This is it, kid.
This is it.
What did you do to me?
Do to you?
I just told you how to get what you wanted.
I wanted to make people laugh, I did not want
to make them disappear.
I wanted to be the next Chris Rock.
Not evil...
David Copperfield.
I warned you what would happen if you put stuff out there.
You did not tell me I was gonna be murdering people.
Murdering people?
Now who the hell is murdering people?
You cant murder people who never existed.
Thats semantics.
There are no crying moms.
Its not murder if there are no crying moms.
See, thats the criteria for murder.
Willful, premeditated,
crying moms.
But... But what?
These people were never born.
Now, you might think you remember them
but youre incorrect. Theyre gone.
They are gone.
But where do they go?
WOMAN (over P.A.): Samir Wassan,
youre up next in five.
You still have a chance.
To get the success you said you wanted more than anything.
Why stop now?
Youre so close.
Finish it.
Use what you got.
Weaponize that shit.
Bring down the motherfucking house.
Oh, shit. Okay, so,
(fading): so many people talk about how hard it is...
(high-pitched ringing)
So...
♪
DIDI: Um...
Shes so fine...
(continues indistinctly)
But you know what?
(continues indistinctly)
(muffled laughter)
And that is a pussy-eating joke. (cheering)
You guys have been amazing.
Im Didi Scott. Thank you so much.
(cheering continues)
Oh, oh!
(audience whooping)
(applause continues)
That was amazing.
That was hilarious.
(applause continues)
Keep it going for the incredible Di...
(mouthing)
(applause continues)
Please keep it going...
(voice breaking): Please keep it going...
Please keep it going
for the incredible Didi Scott, everyone.
(loud laughter) Karen Conroy, she broke my heart.
Lizzy Appleman, what a bitch!
Mary Beth Bryce!
She didnt even know I was alive!
Bye-bye! Mrs. Kern from Westlake High.
B-plus. Youre gone!
Sarah Vollman.
Oh, my parents friends kid, Neel.
I dont like how he looks at me.
Parson twins! Fuck them both!
Um, Yuri Bhattacharya.
Yuri Bhattacharyas mom.
Lets go for it! Yuri Bhattacharyas fucking dog!
Ah, Serena Tam!
She wouldnt share her lunch... Fuck you, bitch!
Uh, um, Billy Chung!
From college.
Fuck Billy Chung!
Goodbye! Uh...
You know what? Dr. Baldwin, my dentist?
Fuck him! Fuck root canals!
(laughter)
Thank you!
I like that.
Uh... Skip Torrance, Jana Torrance!
All the Torrances!
(woman boos)
"Boo"?
(woman boos)
Really? Read the fucking room.
(microphone feedback)
What are you doing here?
You shouldnt be here.
You have something to say to me in the middle of my act?
Your "act"?
I hear this kid kills hecklers.
This is gonna be good.
This is your act.
I found it.
Its just names, Samir.
I dont even know who these people are.
People who wronged you,
people you dont like.
Your act is just you being superior to other people.
Taking them down.
Go ahead.
Use me. Use me for fuel.
Burn me up so you can get where you always wanted to go.
Do it.
Whats stopping you?
Okay.
You want to hear the whole story?
Youre right, I have been selfish.
You said it and I heard it.
I dont know if anybody else couldve gotten me to hear that,
but you sure know how to get me to hear things.
But I dont want to talk to you about that tonight,
ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight, I want to talk to you about someone Ive known
a very long time.
Clever, loveable in a lot of ways,
someone youd think would be a good person
with a lot to offer the world.
Ladies and gentlemen...
tonight, I want to talk to you
about...
...myself.
(laughter and applause)
Im a comedian.
Which is a job like any other.
Except instead of climbing
into the gears of an enormous machine
to chase a hat, like I assume all of you do,
I come up here and I try and make people laugh.
Why? Because I want to spread joy?
Because I want the world to be a better place?
Nope! Its because Im a garbage can
who needs lots of money and validation
emptied right into me!
I want people to come up to me
on the street and ask for selfies!
I dont even care if they know who I am.
I just want them to think
Im somebody!
And I want to have it so much
that I want to be sick of it.
I want them to come up to me and I want to be like,
"Dont you know Im just a garbage can
who wants to live my own life?"
Why do I want that?
I dont know.
But it doesnt matter.
I am a bully.
People are just material to me.
I throw them away.
Im a country with one export
and theres really only one thing
left for me to give!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ive been Samir Wassan!
(cheering and applause)
♪
(indistinct chatter)
Hey. Hey, dude.
You have fun? Yeah, it was actually
really funny. Glad you liked it.
Oh, look.
Didi Scotts right there.
You want to say hi? No, Im fine.
You sure? Well, Im gonna.
Hey. You were hilarious.
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
Thank you. (clicks tongue)
Something to take the pain away.
(chuckles) Coming right up, Deeds.
Well, holy shit.
JC Wheeler.
In the fleshy flesh.
(gasps)
I saw your set.
(laughs)
Wow. If--
If you had any notes...
NARRATOR: Samir Wassan learned the hard way
that sometimes, getting everything you want
means losing everything you love.
And after finally finding himself on the verge
of becoming somebody,
he chose instead to once again
be a nobody.
In the end, Samirs final encore
is a show you can only buy a ticket to...
in The Twilight Zone.
Subtitles by explosiveskull